Please God, make them remember that
Today is a special, birthday.
Make them understand that
The memories don't go away.
Bless them, with ears to hear
and hearts that care.
Enable them to listen while I share.
Shelter them that they may never know my pain.
Help them to help me know
that my child's life was not in vain.
Help them to remember, Lord that I wish
That my child was here
So we could still celebrate.
To understand that I still
Feel the nearness of my child.
To see beyond my smile and the
Words. "I'm okay."
Please God, just let one remember today
Is a special birthday!

Happy birthday to Fairy, im so proud of you for getting this far, you are amazing and the strongest, bravest little girl i know. I miss you and cant wait for cuddles and kisses soon.
And happy birthday to my special little angel Beau. My beautiful angel girl, too perfect for earth. Heavens brightest star. I love you more than anything, look down on me and Fairy today.
Love to you both forever and ever.
Love your mama xxxxxxxx

July horoscope

Taking time for yourself is challenging enough. And now, with the world around you - and therefore elements of your work, finances or domestic life - in disarray, it's nearly impossible. Yet, chaotic as things are, Tuesday's Capricorn eclipsed Full Moon is about you, your perspective and, most of all, about what motivates you. If it's fear - of a lack of funds or achieving less than you intend - then your first step must be a serious review. You have a remarkable capacity to focus on an objective, be it personal, professional or emotional nature, and achieve it. Savouring the achievement, or any of life's joys, is another matter. You now begin that process of remedying that lack.

?

If we work with the fact i am still who i was before i lost my baby, then i am ok, nothing can hurt me and i am where i was.
But physcally im not the same, mentally im not the same, i dont have what i had and i dont think in the same way.
This point here is me and its nothing. A point, a dot doesnt matter. Until my dot gets bigger and affects anyone other than myself then i wont matter. I need to matter and i need people to care about what i want and what i do.
I dont know where i stand and i just want my baby. I want what i had before. I want to go home.

Recently

Had lods of side effecst from my anti psych meds it was awful so my eyes went mega blury and i had a sezure on monday and my bp was sky high and then it dropped really low so been really dizzy and stuff yuck and then had an ecg the otha day and its a bit slow .So im in hospital atm and i had dial today which was awful. i feel like im lookin down a tunnel i feel so weird. like someonese squeazing my head. my anti psych meds dose is bein lowerd it waqs 150mg and now its 100mg but not sure if im stoppin them all together or jsut getting a lower dose to stop side effecgts.

This weekend

Thursday i had dialisis and then afterwards i had a mega nosebleed and then it stopped but then later on it started again so i had to go to hospital and had it cauterised. and then i had to have a blood transfusion. friday morning they decided that if i wouldnt eat they were going to put a PEG tube in, so i had an operations friday morning to have that put in. and then got so pissed off at everything n wouldnt let them do anything with it haha gutted for them. kicked a few people. then yesterday i was the same mostly. and still really pissed off, just grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr fdsnlkmdskmlfdslkmfdlkmfsakmsalkmfsalkmfa fuck that stupid feeding tube. im not a baby. if i dont want to eat thats my business not theres.

Kiddies visiting

Firstly on the friday i managed to go out to tescos with kw and get a comic for paris, yay go me. And then on the saturday fairy came to visit and it was the best, i love her so much. Cant believe how long its been since i last saw her she is so big now. She was really bossy lol even tho shes teeny. And i dressed her up in a little outfit that i got her.

Then sunday both the littlies came to visit, paris was really into being a big brother. When he came, fairy was already here and he ran up and went HELLO and chattered to her and she was so scared lol. Before paris came i had some breakfast, egg and soldier and i ate the egg and fairy played with the soldier, sooo cute. And then paris had some waterbombs off karen so we went outside and played with those and went for a little walk with fairys buggy to help me along! Fairy was sucking her thumb and i went to alannah, aw look shes sucking her thumb! and paris ran over going let me look mummy, shes my little sister isnt she, she is blairy fairy :D awwwww

Monday was just paris's visit, it was really nice and he got to play with his water bombs again and get me all wet (and everyone else) but it wasnt the same without fairy so it was kinda sad too. When he had to go he was crying and shouting and all that, saying mummy your meant to want me and hitting me. Sighh.. how do i ever make that ok?

And here comes goodbye

Here comes goodbye, here comes the last time
Here comes the start of every sleepless night
The first of every tear I’m gonna cry
Here comes the pain,
Here comes me wishing things would never change
And she was right here in my arms tonight,
But here comes goodbye
Why does it have to go from to good to gone?
Before the lights turn on, yeah and you’re left alone
All alone, but here comes goodbye